Soul Searching

So, where have I been??  I've been regrouping!  I have been focusing on some God details in my life.  I started this blog at a time when I was desperately struggling.  Desperately struggling in so many areas of my life.  Honestly I had been in that place for several years, it came upon me slowly and built.  Very sneaky!  I felt very removed from life outside my home.  My home didn't feel like my home, I felt lost.  I started really working on making my home feel loved it, not just lived in.  I felt that blogging about it and being conscious of the changes would help.  It didn't help, because my blog is brand new and haven't found my voice or any real focus I didn't have much feedback.  This just made me feel more lonely.  I was looking for a sense of community in the wrong place.

In June 2007 my little family up and moved 350 miles from our "home".  We left behind my son, my parents, my brother and his young family, my husbands parents, three of his siblings and all of our nieces and nephews and their children.  Plus, my very tight knit group of girlfriends.  You know that group of ladies you raise your children with.  The ones who you swapped babysitting and carpooling duties with.  Our move happened very quickly.  About six weeks after we found out; we were moved lock, stock and barrel.  I was in school full time and had a son struggling with a drug problem.  It was very simply like the Jerry Springer show at our home at times.  But it was the home we lived in for 18 years and our community was there.  Moving away separated me from my support system, and my beautiful son, my oldest, when he was in the depths.  I know now that was God's doing, he needed to "lose" our support to find his own in that battle he faced.

The stress of this entire situation caused my fibro to be severe and all of this side effects that come with it.  I had begun to feel that everything wrong with life right now was because of our move.  Because I moved with the conviction that God was moving us here, I felt guilty about feeling this way!  Financially, emotionally, physically, mentally...all of it.  It was all messed up because we moved away.  In the last few weeks I've spent some serious time soul searching.  Searching for God, searching for my life back!  It's said that when you feel far away from God that it's not Him who moved.  I had not walked away from God, I had just not spent time on the relationship, the most important relationship I will have on this earth.

For the last few weeks I've been seeking God's face.  Really seeking change.  And...I found it!  I have crawled back into God's lap and in the process, I found myself again!  I've found my passion again, I've remembered why I was passionate and I have discovered that for me, God is life.  Everything is just too hard to do it alone.  Even with my husband supporting me in every way he could, it was still too hard.  It's not his job to be my God, it's his job to be my husband and he does this very well.  It is also not my children's job to be my God, or my friends, and none of these people can even help me in my relationship with God.  It's just me and Him and I need to find Him, and hold on tight all by myself.

Now, I want to continue this blog.  I do love doing all the fun decorating and sewing and crafting, I love sharing and getting feedback and ideas.  I still need to find my voice here.  I will, I used to write.  It's in here somewhere!

Thanks for reading and allowing me to be transparent and I hope that this encourages someone out there in blog land to spend a little time soul searching!